Trying Again

A few weeks ago, as both H and returned from our respective travels and the end of Summer drew near, we both started to ponder what to do about school this year.B I have been dreading this time.B The overwhelmingness of making choices again, trying to figure out the best place for H, a place where he would enjoy, where he could be educated and where maybe he could make friends.
Yet…I did. I searched again, looking for a school. Why? A few days after we both were home and discussing school. H said ” Mommy, I don’t want to be “Special” anymore!”B With a breaking heart, I knew that something had to be different, that my son, as much as I tried to protect, still felt that something was wrong with him, that he somehow had grasped that he is different and it was hurting him.B The very thing that I have strived to protect him from, was the very thing that was hurting him. And, once again, I was delved into a feeling of helplessness and inability to navigate what my child needed.
I haven’t hidden from him that he was different, nor that he has Aspergers.B I have tried to be somewhat honest with him in terms that he understood.B By somewhat, honest, I have told him what Aspergers is and have struggled with helping learn, together we have navigated this path as best we could, stumbling and figuring out what works and what doesn’t.B Yet, somehow, on some level he has come to grasp, that his “special” is hindering him, it’s a bad thing. He just wants to be “normal”! Yes, he does understand, that normal is all relative, and the Child does realize that perhaps, Mommy isn’t the most “normal” book on the shelf.B Still, he wants something and while he isn’t articulating what that is clearly, I get it.B He wants to do what he thinks Tween boys should be doing! He wants to hang with friends and be social and not with me.
Tomorrow, we start a new school. I am using “we” coz it won’t just be H walking into that school in the morning, maybe I won’t have the pretty uniform that he will be required to don, nor will I be toting a back-pak and homemade lunch or even having to sit still through a Greek lesson but I will be there with him, every step of the way.B Together, we will be negotiating the new routine (8 hours of school time) and learning to make new friends.B While H is in his classroom, learning new things and hopefully, making friends, I will be here in front of my laptop, pretending to work while anxiously waiting for 3:30 so I can go pick him up.B There may be nail biting involved and perhaps, chocolate.
He is, of course, beyond excited and I am thrilled with that and excited for him.B Even as that nagging little fear in my mind is screaming at me, pushing me to keep him home. I know that he must go, that for him we have to keep trying new things til we figure out what works, that he is way to smart for me to teach at home, that he will probably make friends.B As a parent, we always try to make the best choices for our children.B To try not to fail them as they grow.B All I can do is hope this is one of those good choices.B B That and not letting him douse himself in Axe in the morning.
 

7 thoughts on “Trying Again

  1. Big UPs to my little man H. Why shouldn’t he get to ridicule the nerds with pocket protectors who will eventually be our bosses and our wives’ second husbands when they create the next Microsoft?
    I’m proud of him. And of you for the display of bravery.

    1. Thanks Sam, you do however, realize that this is my child and he is the Nerd!! He was asked today to prepare a presentation on Social Media for his class and explain Twitter and Facebook! And he, volunteered us to set up the computer lab with all their new computers!! So, he may not have the “pocket protector” but he is definitely the Nerd!! Ohh, and he may want your job!! #JustSaying

  2. One of my best friends has autism. There was a time her parents were hopeful that she might have Aspergers, but from the first time I met her all I knew is that she was special. She is 20 years old now, attends college and has one of the most amazing voices. She sings like an angel, just like her mother. She enjoys life more than most people I have ever met. She inspires me, but her parents have always worried. This is understandable too.

    1. Hi Kat!! Yes, my son is totally amazing and shocks me every single day with the things he can do. I do worry as any parent would, probably overmuch as he does well! Sometimes, he gets frustrated with being “special” and that is understandable, he will soon realize that we are all “special” and thank you for sharing about your friend!!

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  4. Very inspirational. Kudos to you both for your courage and bravery. xoxo
    (Looking forward to hearing how school goes!)

  5. I feel for you Brandie.
    My daughter is 7 years old and was diagnosed quite young with Aspergers (the usual signs of not looking in the eyes when talking, inability to focus, struggle to finish your sentence and throw a tantrum when you don’t etc..).
    We haven’t yet told our daughter but i know at some stage soon we will have to.
    You are doing absolutely the right thing. He needs to be around other people to learn to develop those social skills. Not to be “normal” as he IS already normal just learn how to have fun with others.
    This post was done a while ago, so how did it go?

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